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SETTING LIMITS AND HANDLING DIFFICULT SITUATIONS
Often as adults, we convey anger and disappointment to children. Children are anxious to please adults and really, REALLY want to do the right thing. But instead of giving encouragement, too often we reprimand them in the name of "teaching." Instead what this can do is teach them to freeze up, to become anxious, and lowers their own expectations of discovery and success in order to please adults.
When setting limits and handling difficult situations in the classroom, here are some guidelines:
- Always be sure you have their full attention. Get down and their level and speak firmly but quietly.
- Keep it simple, say what you mean. Do not pose a question such as "Why did you hit Sammy?" Instead say, "I can't let you hit Sammy. When you hit, it hurts."
- Have the aggressor look at the face of the hurt child so they can see some non-verbal cues about how that child may be feeling.
- Encourage conversation. "You must have been angry to hit Sammy. What could you do next time you want to use the shovel?" Also, help the hurt child say what they are feeling. "Sammy, what would you like to say to Mary?" Do not interrupt the child or put words into their mouths. Use reflective listening and help them develop the com- munication skills.
- Allow children to make as many decisions as possible within the necessary limits: "I want to stay in blocks. If I throw the blocks, I will have to play in another Center. I can carry blocks. I can build with blocks. I can take blocks to the table."
- Be aware of the whole situation. If you observe play that seems too "loud" or "active" for you, observe first before intervening. Are they in danger of hurting themselves? Others? Destroying property? Ask the children to explain their game and hear the reasons for their volume or activity level before making a judgment. Stop the play and redirect if any of the "danger" conditions above exist. "What CAN we use the silverware for?"
- Always get children to help discover the reason for limits instead of only issuing commands. "What might happen if you point the stick at my face?"
Here is a four step plan from Bev Bos for helping children resolve conflicts:*
- Take the hand, firmly, of the child who is hurt and go find the other child. Hold the had of the other child and say, "Emily, tell Julie how you feel." Then "Julie, tell Emily how you feel." Now, do it again--they always have more to say. do not interrupt the child and do not put words in their mouths. Remember, we want THEM to develop the skills!
- Next, say to each child, "Anything else?" Provide ample time for each child to respond. If one child interrupts, very calmly respond, "Emily isn't through."
- "What's the solution?" How can we solve this problem?" This sounds very sophisticated, but you will be surprised out how quickly they get it if adults provide the support. Sometimes the child's solution will be punitive: "Well, I could hit her!" At this point, without raising your voice, you say, "That's not an acceptable solution." Always go for three solutions.
- Finally, ask "Does anybody need a hug?"
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All of us lose it occasionally, Children and adults let anger get beyond control. Sometimes it happens when we are tired, hurried, and frustrated with our busy days. If adults could practice these four steps of resolving conflict with their spouses--holding hands, give each other time to respond, look for solutions and hug each other instead of yelling and hurting each other with words that can never be taken back and seem to be remembered long after the conflict, what a wonderful world this would be. Impossible, you say? Nothing is impossible. It just takes a different way of thinking.
*Bev
Bos is Teacher/Director of Roseville Community Preschool in Roseville,
California, a parent cooperative.
She is also a world renowned trainer of adults who work with young children.
Her thoughts come from her "Good Stuff for Kids Seminar", August 1999.
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